It's the neatest thing. My brother-in-law and his girlfriend had gotten me the Austin Family Chronicles books 1-3 for Christmas. I had only recently found out that a book I've loved since 5th grade, A Ring of Endless Light, was actually part of a series, and so they got me the three books that precede it. I have just finished reading the first one, and it's put me into such a nice mindset. I'm feeling quaint, and old-fashioned, and lovely. The books are so timeless. That's when I always enjoy a book the most - when you can read it, no matter the decade, and still feel that it is relevant. When authors fill their books with specific designers or gadgets or other here-and-now information, they become outdated so quickly. Whereas other books you can pick up 50 years from the time they were written and still feel as though you could live in them. The family dynamics in these books are ideal in my mind and I love it. Although, it does make me second-guess myself again about the whole work situation. This family, they are so happy with all being crammed into one little house, and they don't have fancy things but they have all they need and are happy. I know they are only fiction . . . but they are based on real life, and really it seems like what we should be aiming for. My son will tell me, if something is lost or broken or we are out of something, that we have to go get a new one from the store. He thinks everything comes from "the store," and doesn't think about anything beyond that, and it sort of bothers me. I don't want him to be materialistic - and yet, my husband and I are both working full time so that we can have nice things, and new gadgets, and a big house . . . I still wonder if our priorities are in the right place.
And yet, I don't work just for the money. I re-realized this the other day, when I had to go into my mission integration meeting. Though the meetings are tedious, and I have mixed feelings about the hospital sending this message even though its actions sometimes seem contradictory, it is a good message, a good ideal to aim for. Compassion, both for our patients and our co-workers. And it is for our co-workers that we need it the most lately, it seems. In any case, they talked about nursing being our calling, how we serve God through caring for others. I'm not deeply religious and I'm not very open to others about my views. I'm quiet in my faith. But I do pray, and I do believe, and it feels right to say that I express this through my nursing care. I am doing important work. I am serving others. I am teaching my children compassion. Before, whenever my son would cry about me going to work and ask why I had to go, I would tell him, "To earn money. So we can buy food and clothes." Now, I tell him, "Because Mommy needs to take care of sick people. There are people that need her." This, I think, is a much better message - and much closer to the truth. Yes, we could live on my husband's salary, if we sold both new vehicles and stayed in our small house and gave up a lot of things. But quite frankly, it is good to feel safe. To not worry. And I could go part time - there have been part-time opportunities to do so, but they have just never seemed to fit quite right. I think part of me just knew that I belong where I am. I enjoy my job. I enjoy caring for others. It is difficult at times - nurses take a lot of abuse from patients. It can be physically and emotionally draining. But then you get the one patient who smiles at you, squeezes your hand and says, "thank you," and completely makes you forget about the last 10 that cursed at you or treated you as a personal servant or refused to help you help themselves. And really - those 10 patients make me a better person. I am only human, and I can only take so much. But I am also a nurse. It is my job to care for any patient that comes in the door. To see beyond the exterior and find out what they need. To be there for them, no matter what.
So yes, we could live on less money. But I would be losing much more than my income. I would be losing the opportunity to serve. I would be losing a part of myself.
And yes, while working I am missing my children. And I know that they are missing me. But they are gaining one-on-one time with their father. They are gaining time with friends at school. They are gaining perspectives other than my own. As I learn to be a better person through nursing, so too can I teach them to be better people. And that is all that I want, what I pray for each night - to raise my children to their fullest potential. We may not be the Austins - I don't know if anybody could be, this day in age. But the idea of the Austins, and that loving, nurturing, humble environment - that is something to remember. Something to aim for.
